Sweet Nothing

You took my heart and you held it in your mouth 
And with a word all my love came rushing out 

In this new life I have been leaving for a month I have been trying to be as busy as possible, trying to catch every single opportunity to feel happy and build a better version of myself. I am trying to go regularly to the gym and get a stronger body in which I can feel confident but most of all happy. Happiness is my everyday goal but even in the summer there are cloudy days. You don't see it coming, sometime clouds appear even when sun is shining in the sky.
When it comes to you, I never see it coming. You are my sun and my clouds at the same time. Every time I speak to you, I feel the happiest girl in the world. 
I am happy of having you in my life. We can talk about everything for hours and don't get tired. But then something unexpectedly sweet comes out of your lips. And clouds come back to my sky. When you said those things I am totally confused about us. What are we? What could we be? 
Unfortunately I will never answer these questions because we are living in different places and cities and situations. And the worst part is that you own my heart. And I don't know when I will be able to rid out of you, when I will be able to love someone else or when I will be brave enough to tell you what I feel and rid out of my huge regret as small as a kiss. 

Ghosts

I keep going to the river to pray

'Cause I need something that can wash out the pain

And at most I'm sleeping all these demons away

But your ghost, the ghost of you

It keeps me awake

Less than a month ago my life has totally changed. And even if I wanted this change badly I'm still in the process of getting used to all this "new world".

I moved to a new city, I'm living with new people, I'm speaking a new language and I'm attending a new University. And I'm really excited of all this "new", I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life. I'm finally living the life I was looking for.

I'm feeling exactly the way I expected to feel when I was dreaming about this life I wanted so bad. But never in my dreams I thought that this would happened to me.

I see ghosts.

Everyday walking in the street I see people running to their work or school and I always have the impression I have seen them before but back home. My mind keeps carrying people from my old life to this new one and this makes me feel very confused. Sometimes I'm about to wave at any person in front of me and then I realize that she is not my neighbor but she is just an old lady doing some grocery shopping. Everything looks so familiar and unknown at the same time that it makes me feel lost. Alone. It makes me think of my old life and wondering if leaving my friends, my family, my home, my city was the correct thing to do. 

But then I wake up in the morning and I realize I'm ensuring me a future and I'm having the best education I can have, I jump out of the bed (literally, because sometimes my bed holds me for those extra 10 minutes) and a strong feeling take the control of my mind: happiness.

So, I don't care if I keep seeing ghosts all over my way. I'm happy. And I'm sure that if I keep smiling at them, I can bring them back to life and not feel intimidated by them. They will become my friends. 

Forever

It is very weird to find myself looking at the screen of my phone, waiting for a text from you. When did it happen? When did I fall in this whirling vortex that people call love? And should I have to call it love or it is just another insignificant crush?

Scientist guarantee that if after a couple of months, you still like a person, it is not a crush anymore but the feeling in your chest has become love. 

What a big word! 

L-O-V-E. 

Four letters that make you dream of the fairy-tales that your mum told you before going to sleep. But in reality, love is everything but charming prince and princess to save. Well, maybe there is still someone to save but no more princess as we knew them. The nowadays princess is no more prisoner of an evil witch or dragon, she is victim of herself thoughts, of the judgments of the mirror and a millions of problems including no future plans, parents but first of all, becoming an adult. If you mix all these issues with the desperate crave for knowledge and truth you end up on me, a 21-years-old woman who still have inquiries in such a lot things nobody can imagine the amount of. Anyway, if I am not a traditional princess with long blond hair, who sings like an angel so the birds will accompanying her voice with their tweets and who behave according to her royal status, I still want to be safe. And I really don't care if the "charming prince" is tall or short, handsome or "less" handsome, smart or a little bit dumb. I have recently watched "The fault in our stars" but not before I have read the book by John Green. Well, letting apart the dramatic and romantic love story between Grace and Augustus I've realized that the thing that matter the most in a relationship is not how long it last or how beautiful is your prince or his qualities. The only thing that matter is to love and to be loved back. It doesn't matter if it last a night or a whole decade, if it is true love any amount of time can become an infinity.People always look for the right person to spend the entire life with but life is not as perfect as we would like it to be. So we have to settle with the amount of time life gives to us. Some infinities are bigger that others, but still infinities are. 

And then I found myself missing you

They say home is where your heart is set in stone

I have been so busy that I had not time to think of you. But then two days ago I found myself talking about you and tears came to my eyes. I haven't realized how much I really miss you. One month ago I was walking around your streets, dreaming of how beautiful would it be to have my own home there. I realized just now how happy I was. How special I felt. How much I liked to speak a different language I have fallen in love when I was 14 and that I was destined to learn since I was 5. 

The world goes run and run without stopping but sometimes it finds the time to give a special mission to each of us. 

Sometimes it's hard to stick to that plan but a unconscious force inside us tells us to keep going because that's what we have to do in life. And that energy lead me to you. 

One last dance

Just one last dance. Then I will get lost in the crowd and you won’t follow me. Bodies are very close in this little space, moving at the rhythm of the music that is very loud. “It’s very hot here” you told me taking my hair off my face and looking at the kissing couple behind us. I smiled. By then I didn’t even know your name. 20 minutes and I had to go home.

Do you want to drink?   No thanks I have to drive.  White lie, I don’t even know how to drive. I have learnt on my skin what truth can bring to you. So now I’m the greatest liar on the earth.

Let’s go into the dancing crowd   Yeah, that’s what I want. Dance. That’s another lesson I’ve learnt. Never overdrink and dance at the same time. Especially if you have to go home with people who can tell your parents how do you really behave.  So one at time, maybe a beer but no more. “Stay safe” is the only rule I keep repeating in my head like a mantra. I take your hand and go into the dancing crowd. I love that song. I smile at you and we start dancing. You get closer, you put your hand on my waist. I’m not bothered by your touch, you have nice warm hands. The DJ is putting on some good music and we are getting closer and closer. Maybe I have fallen asleep for a second because suddenly I find my lips against yours. Damn it, I miss it again. The moment when two people decide that kissing is a good thing to do. It may happen for many reason. Because of a lost bet, because of a game, because of the nice environment you are in, because of love. I have kissed people for all the previous reasons, except  the last one.

I like you   Damn it, really? I give a look at my clock. Oh c’mon, you’ve just met me 15 minutes ago. And I have to leave in 5. Ok well, I’m having fun so maybe I’ll stay 10 minutes more.  Big mistake, he goes with THAT question. No, I’m not going to your home and you are not going to come back home with me. I know I’m kissing a stranger in a disco but I’m a lady after all, have all the men on the earth forgotten it? We keep dancing until it’s my time to go.

Don’t go, please I like you, kissing you   Eh grazie al cavolo, so na gnocca  della Madonna. Sorry, I needed to let speak the Italian in me. C’mon let me go, my uncles are going to hate me and leave me here and I don’t have aby transport to go back home by my own. Thanks Quetzal, my aunt have found me. Sorry guy, this was our last dance. One last kiss and I get lost in the crowd. You cannot follow me.  

Love me as I do

Some days it's really hard not to talk to you. My mind is constantly thinking of you, your smile, your eyes, your hands. I have always tried to hide my feeling for you. I have discovered I'm quite good at it. But at the end of the day, my last thought before close my eyes is always for you. Sometimes you come to visit me in my dreams. And I wake up trying to carry the feeling of your hand in mine to the real world. There is always a smile on my face those mornings. When you don't appear in my dreams there is always something during the day that remind me of you. A landscape I wish you could see next to me, a dish I think you could appreciate, a song that could became our song and we could dance it out. These thoughts make me always smile but then they go away along with those moments of happiness and leave a hole in my chest. And the only thing that could fill that hole is one of your hugs. But you are not here. You will never be here next to me. Maybe one day we will meet again but you will never be there for me. I will dream of you until someone else will take your place. And I hope next time I will fall in love with someone that can love me back.

Back to essentials

First post of this 2015! I wish I had written something in January but oops can you believe is it February yet?! I'm so scared of how the time flies and we cannot do anything to stop it or just slow it down. Last year wasn't an easy year for me and for the first time in my life I'm glad it has passed this fast. At the stroke of midnight on New Year's Eve, I felt free. Free from all the tears which went through my face, from all the sorrows, from the times I felt my heart broke apart. And then I breathed. Fresh air filled my lungs. Freedom filled my soul. I realize it was time for a new year, a new me. I let go all the bad moments I lived in 2014 and I made more space for the things and people that really count in life. I was finally ready for a back to basics. Even if the first few days of my 2015 were pretty busy (work in progress stuffs) I made it just in time to celebrate my birthday. I've always being scared of becoming older but this time, again, I was just happy to have the chance to spend another year on this earth with people who really care of me, with my family and my friends. I spent a really nice evening in a pub with those 10 friends who have never leave me, no matter what. I don't see them very often because of uni lessons (THEIR uni lessons, I'm still on holidays, if we can say so xD ) but I can always count on them. One of those friends is M. and I was literally over the moon when I saw him because I hadn't seen him since April 2014! But what made me happier was the fact that nothing had change between us. Of course, a lot of things has happened since 2014 so we had decided to meet again and talk about what has happened in our life in so many months. I have happily discovered I'm becoming an expert at doing summaries.
Apart from funny stories and various updates, I have learn a very important lesson from that meeting. Spend time with people you love and who love you back. Don't loose your time with people who call you just when they need something from you. Build a good friendship which is clear, no secrets, no behind back talks. If there is a situation that bothers you, do not wait for a miracle to solve it! If you really care, just talk. Fight for people you love. Because no money will ever buy you the love you lost once. And love is the most essential thing in the world.